Staying sober when your spouse still drinks on the daily is one of the biggest challenges married people face in recovery. The difference in values and mindset often creates conflict from both sides. Maybe you’re wishing they would stop drinking, or you’re concerned for their health, or you feel they’re sabotaging your attempts to get sober. And perhaps they’re feeling judged and defensive, or they’re having a hard time adjusting to the new version of life with sober you. And of course, with all of that conflict comes even more temptation to escape the frustration and disappointment – by drowning it in a drink.
Let’s talk about some ways to navigate your relationship in ways that will empower you to stay sober, and reduce conflict so that you and your spouse can live in peace, even as you move into this new phase of your lives together.
1. Level up your communication
Communication is the key to successful relationships, and this is doubly true when you’re dealing with a spouse who still drinks. Change is inevitable when one person in a relationship chooses to give up alcohol. Honest, open communication from both sides will go a long way in both of you feeling connected and understood. Try to agree on a common goal. “Our goal is to find a new normal that is comfortable for both of us.” Or something to that effect. Then, work together to create a plan for how you’ll get there. Share honestly with your partner about your recovery. Share what it’s like to navigate cravings and stay sober. Share how you’re feeling often, and offer space for your spouse to do the same. They’re likely going to be feeling a lot of different emotions as well, and it’s important for both sides to feel seen, heard, and accepted.
Communicating clearly is a learned skill. It takes practice, and a willingness from both parties to be compassionate and understanding when things come out wrong. Remember that recovery is a massive undertaking in growth, and both partners growing together is how marriages become stronger and stronger. This includes learning communication skills together. Have patience with each other. None of this happens fast.
2. Focus on what YOU can do
Here’s the thing: you can only control your own decisions and actions. Ever. You might want to control someone else’s choices. You might be able to see SO clearly what the right thing is for them to do. You might think you can nag and coddle and explain them into doing what’s best for them. But you can never actually control another person’s decisions and actions, and you’ll make yourself crazy if you keep trying. (So often, people want their spouse to quit drinking with them. Please know that this is not something you can control. Just like you had to be ready to make the choice for you, they have to be ready to make the choice for them.) Focus on what YOU can do. What decisions and actions can YOU choose in order to move you closer to the life you want to be living? Focus your energy on those things. They’re less likely to feel defensive if you back off of telling them what they need to do, and you’ll be at peace knowing you’ve released yourself of the responsibility of making their choices for them. Win-win.
3. Prioritize yourself and your recovery
Your success (and your life) depend on you staying sober. That might sound a bit dramatic, but it’s truly not. For so many of us who grew up as people pleasers, putting others before ourselves is second nature. To put ourselves first feels selfish and uncomfortable. I’m here to tell you that you need to get used to the discomfort of putting your own needs first. You need to start putting yourself first, and do your best to let go of the guilt you feel when you do. Take space when you need to. Give yourself permission to take time to go to a meeting, or do some self care, or to take some things off of your plate until you’re feeling more solid and secure.
4. Identify triggers in your relationship
When your spouse does things that incite an urge to drink, make a note of those things and come up with a plan. What happened? How did you feel? How can you deal with this trigger differently going forward? Is there a way you can avoid experiencing this same trigger in the future? Use the opportunity to learn, and create a stronger plan to support your sobriety going forward. You can’t avoid every trigger and every craving, but your job right now is to make staying sober as easy as possible, and if that means avoiding triggers when you’re able to, then avoid them.
5. Set boundaries to set yourself up for success
I love this quote by Prentis Hemphill: “Boundaries are the distance at which I can love you and me simultaneously.”
If you’re not used to setting boundaries in your marriage, this might seem uncomfortable – and maybe even mean. Setting boundaries can feel like punishment or creating distance. But a more accurate way to view boundaries is to realize that setting them keeps both of you from doing things that create resentment. Boundaries are necessary for maintaining peace and mutual respect in any relationship.
Here are the three basic steps to creating a boundary:
- Identify your boundaries clearly. Know exactly what is okay, and what is not okay. Make sure you know exactly where that line is drawn. Maybe it’s okay for your spouse to drink at home, but not in the same room as you. Or maybe it’s okay if they go out for drinks with friends, but you aren’t willing to talk to them when they come home obviously intoxicated. These lines are different for everyone. Know exactly where you stand.
- Decide what YOU will do if your boundaries are crossed. Remember that part about not being able to control anyone but yourself? This means if a boundary is crossed, YOU have to decide what YOU will do. If your spouse comes home drunk and tries to engage in conversation, what action will you take? Will you leave the room and ask for space? Will you call a friend so that you’re not available for them to talk to? Know ahead of time how you’ll respond if your boundaries are crossed, and calmly respond in the way that you’ve planned. This will keep you from going off the rails, yelling and blaming and getting angry and starting a fight.
- Communicate your boundary, and the consequence you’ve decided on, to your spouse. Time this right. Don’t start flinging boundaries around in the middle of an argument, or when they’re already three drinks in and starting to get annoying. Find a time when you’re both in a good place, and lovingly but firmly share your boundaries. And keep this about you. Let them know you’re setting these boundaries because you’re working to support your own sobriety – not punishing them for anything.
- Follow through, consistently. Even when it’s hard. Even when it’s uncomfortable. We have to re-teach people how we’re willing to be treated. If you’ve taught your spouse for years that you’re not really serious about the boundaries you’ve set, they’re going to have no reason to think you’re serious about these ones, either. Be patient, and be loving, and know that it might take a few tries for them to understand and honor your boundaries.
And remember that it’s okay – and necessary – to reevaluate these boundaries from time to time. Sometimes our needs and our limits evolve as time goes on. Boundaries are never set in stone. You can change them whenever you feel like you need to. Just make sure you re-communicate them when you do.
Making the decision to get sober is life changing, and when your spouse still drinks, it’s also relationship changing. But that doesn’t mean that it can’t be done. When you’ve got two people who are both willing to work together, who are willing to learn new skills and grow together, recovery has the potential to create an even stronger bond.
Make sure you check out all of the resources we offer, and grab the tools that you need to support your sober lifestyle!
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Very well explained! Excellent work.
This is a well timed blog post and I am so glad I have sat with it for a bit. Thank you for giving examples and ideas for setting boundaries and navigating these waters. I have been focused on my partner and how our relationship is changing so much that I feel I’m turning into a control freak! This is a good reminder.