Why Am I So Unhappy? How To Cope (Not Drink) When You Don't Know Why You're Miserable

If you’ve ever found yourself thinking,

“Why I am I so unhappy? There’s not even any reason for it!”

“I shouldn’t be this miserable. Look at all the things I should feel grateful for!”

Then it’s time for us to sit down and have a chat. Because I’m going to bet that there is a reason for it, and it also makes complete sense why you feel the way you feel.

Tell me if you relate:

Let’s set the scene.

It was my first Christmas season sober, and I was NOT in a good mood. In fact, my mood was downright stormy. I begrudgingly put up decorations, not because I wanted to, but because I knew my family expected it. I skipped all the things I normally would because I just didn’t feel like it. My family knew something was up. My kids were wondering why there weren’t any Christmas cookies. My husband was avoiding talking to me because he didn’t know what to say, and he didn’t want to make me snap.

This lasted a solid two weeks, maybe more.

And here’s what was going through my head the whole time:

“What the f*** is wrong with me? Why can’t I just be happy? I have this beautiful life with these brilliant kids and a wonderful husband and I’m over here miserable and angry for absolutely no reason. I’m ruining Christmas for everyone because I can’t even figure out how to act normal. It’s one of our last Christmases together as a family before the kids grow up and move away, and I’m just angry at everyone and no one even did anything wrong. I don’t understand what is wrong with me, why I have to be so messed up. My family deserves better than this.”

See what I’m doing there?

This whole mess starts with shame.

I’m shaming myself for feelings and emotions I have no control over. (Because while we wish we did, we cannot control our emotions.) I go from feeling some version of unhappy to shaming myself for these emotions, because as far as I can tell there’s not even a reason for the way I’m feeling. And that shame – it’s just making me spiral into an out of control depression. And if it doesn’t get stopped, that spiral can turn into an alcohol craving in a hurry.

Stop the shame spiral.

Let’s try processing this scene in a healthier way.

It’s Christmas. I’m miserable and I have no idea why.

“Wow. I’m really unhappy right now. What’s going on? There’s no obvious reason, but is there something else hiding that could be affecting me?”

Well, I’m sad because Christmas isn’t the same anymore, and because I know my kids won’t be at home much longer. (That’s grief.)

I feel a weird pressure to make Christmas extra special because it feels like it’s one of my last chances to make a great memory with them. (Hmm. Some self worth stuff there, like I need to prove my value.)

One of my kids has been really disrespectful lately, but I still have to buy her presents and that feels kinda crappy. (This is resentment.)

Remember when they were little and we used to make handmade ornaments and Christmas crafts? Man, I wish we could go back to that age. (Nostalgia)

I’ve got two Christmas parties next week that I really don’t want to go to. I don’t even really enjoy those people now that I’m not drinking. And I hate being around drunk people. (Dread)

Okay. So there’s no big, obvious event that has occurred to make my mood turn sour. But if I stand back and look at the broad picture, there’s a lot there!

So here’s where the magic is.

I stop shaming myself for feeling down, and I validate the way I feel instead.

“Wow. There’s actually a lot going on. It’s no wonder I’m feeling so low. I’m not even really letting myself feel this stuff, I’m just kind of ignoring it. But it’s all valid. These are some hard emotions, and there’s a lot here that I can’t do anything about. I wish I didn’t feel this way right now, but it makes sense why I do.”

See? Magic.

Now you can actually cope.

When I stop trying to fight it, I stop feeding the shame. I slow the spiral. And then I can deal with what I’m actually feeling.

I can acknowledge the grief of things changing, and having no control over it. I can allow myself to feel sad, knowing that the feeling will pass eventually.

I can work on allowing what I have to give to be good enough, and remind myself that my family loves me even if every Christmas tradition doesn’t happen this year.

I can have a conversation with my child, and set some boundaries about how I’m willing to be treated.

I can express gratitude for the sweet memories we have from when they were little.

I can make the decision to honor myself and skip the parties I really don’t want to go to.

When I validate the emotions I’m feeling, then I can figure out what actions to take. I can figure out what I’m needing, and I can meet those needs. Or I can communicate them, and allow others to join me in processing these tough emotions.

Learn more about Emotional Intelligence and Addiction – Check out Podcast Episode 90

Need help naming your emotions? Download this pdf from Hoffman Institute

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Julie Miller

Julie Miller, RCP is a certified recovery coach for Through the Glass Recovery. After a decade of being addicted to alcohol, she found her way into recovery and is now thriving. Her recovery is founded in overcoming shame, finding her authentic self, and creating a life so full there's no space left for alcohol. Through her coaching, podcasting, and the recovery community she has built, Julie has found her purpose in helping others find their way out of addiction and into a meaningful, purpose filled life of freedom.

How to Cope (Instead of Drink) When You’re Unhappy and You Don’t Know Why