I’ve been in active, intentional recovery for 2 ½ years now.
I’ve got some things figured out. My experiences throughout sobriety have taught me an awful lot about addiction, recovery, and the value of doing the work of emotional sobriety.
But I had to travel a really rough road to get here.
I had to do everything wrong, in order to learn how to do it right. I made some painful mistakes along the way, but I’m happy to say that I’ve learned some valuable lessons from those mistakes, and in the end, I’ve come out much stronger than I used to.
The most important lessons I learned stem from the time I quit drinking for 14 months, and then relapsed.
I want to share that experience with you, in hopes that you can learn from my mistakes.
Reality Check: Turns Out, It Was Tougher Than I Bargained For
It was about 2pm on a school day. I homeschool my kids, so they were in the living room working on their math assignments, and I was refilling my wine glass from the box of wine on the counter for the fourth time that day.
And then I got a call that changed everything. My birth mother – who I never did get to meet – died, and it was likely related to excessive alcohol consumption. The more I learned about her, the more I realized I could end up like her if I didn’t make a HUGE change. So I stopped. All at once, without any support or any kind of a plan, I stopped. I white knuckled my way through fourteen months of a lonely, painful version of sobriety that only left me feeling even more empty. I had no idea what recovery was supposed to look like. I just knew I couldn’t drink.
And then one day – not even a particularly bad day – I decided I was going to have a beer. I knew there was one in the basement fridge that my husband had left there. So I grabbed it, and I chugged it. I instantly felt good. And I didn’t want another one. I smiled, thinking I had my drinking under control.
It took about six months for me to completely lose control. It took another 6 months after that for me to stop again. In that year that I was drinking, I managed to nearly destroy my marriage, fully destroy relationships with loved ones, and wreck my car. The fact that it wasn’t any worse than it was is a miracle.
It took that relapse – that awful year – for me to learn the lessons I needed to learn about recovery. I know most of us have to learn things the hard way. But just in case, I’m going to tell you about the mistakes I made, and how you can avoid them. I would love to save you the heartache I had to (and still have to) endure. So… what causes relapses?
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Mistake #1: I tried to keep my sobriety a secret
I didn’t tell a soul what was really going on. My husband thought I was quitting for health reasons – not because I’d made it a habit to have wine for breakfast just so I could get through the day. I was too ashamed to tell him the truth. I just wanted to quit drinking, and let those awful days past be my little secret.
That meant he couldn’t support me. He couldn’t give me some extra breaks from the kids when he knew I was having a hard time. He couldn’t offer to listen when the cravings got so bad they literally made my insides ache. He couldn’t be extra compassionate when I was riding the emotional roller coaster of early sobriety and my mood swings were off the charts.
I pretended like everything was fine. And in those early days of sobriety, everything is NOT fine.
The Solution:
Tell a couple of people you’re close to what’s going on. I know it’s terrifying, and you don’t want to admit that you are having a hard time quitting alcohol. But when you do tell someone – especially someone who loves you and meets you with love and compassion – that shame you’re carrying will start to lift. And beneath the shame is where recovery happens.
Mistake #2: A lack of real change
I didn’t change anything about my life. I was always, ALWAYS busy. Running kids around, chairing meetings and hosting events and running programs. Managing life on a small farm, homeschooling, and keeping up with housework, while still trying to show up for friends and family, too. I never allowed myself space to breathe (because it was a good time to hide from the shame, though I didn’t know that at the time.) I always put myself and my needs last (because I didn’t think I deserved any better. Another thing I didn’t realize at the time.)
Trying to keep up with my life, while simultaneously trying to get sober, was a recipe for disaster.
The Solution:
Be willing to make MAJOR changes in your life. Some will be temporary. Some will be permanent. But you’re not likely to stay sober just leaving things as they are. Maybe it means doing less. Maybe it means prioritizing self care and putting yourself first. Maybe it means revamping your routines to support your recovery. Maybe it means leaving some friends behind. Explore and experiment, but be honest with yourself. What needs to change? Find the courage to make those changes.
Mistake #3: Forgetting to grow
I didn’t do anything to grow. Sobriety is about not drinking anymore. But recovery is about growing into a person who no longer has any desire to drink. I had no idea what that meant, and I didn’t have anyone to show me what that looked like.
My relationships weren’t healthy, but I didn’t learn anything about how to make them better. My self worth was non-existent, but I didn’t find ways to increase it. I had no idea those were even part of the problem.
The Solution:
Find some support in the recovery community. Find a group of people who are doing the work. Start listening to them, and start talking to them. Let them share their experiences with you, and start learning from them. Then take what you’ve learned and apply it. (That’s where the magic happens.)
Read books, listen to podcasts, follow sober influencers on social media. Whatever it takes to learn more about your flaws and shortcomings, so that you can take action to repair and make changes. Whatever it takes to change your mindset in a way that propels you forward, instead of holding you right where you’re at.
Mistake #4: I thought I was different.
Not like everyone else. Or at least, I didn’t want to believe I was. All those things other people had to do to get sober… I didn’t need to do that. I was going to figure it out, I just needed more time.
The Solution:
Take a nice big dose of humility, and then repeat after me: “I don’t need to reinvent the wheel.” There’s a reason you always hear the same advice. It’s because it works. Find a community. Ask for help. Make sobriety the most important thing in your life. Do. The. Work. There’s no undiscovered secret to staying sober that you’re suddenly going to find. It’s in all the little things you do… and in not doing it alone.
I wish I could say that I never slipped up in my recovery. I could have avoided an awful lot of pain. But there were lessons in there that I needed to learn. Lessons that I’m sharing with you because I want you to learn from them, too – and hopefully avoid some unnecessary pain.
Here at Through the Glass Recovery, we are passionate about sharing our experiences in order to help you find your way on your own unique path of recovery.
If you’re looking for a community where you can find the connection and support I mention here, check out our free weekly Zoom sober support meetings. You can get more info about them here.
Here’s what Robbie, a regular Zoom attendee, has to say about the meetings: “Once I started going to your Monday night Zoom meetings, my recovery journey took a huge step forward. I was white knuckling sobriety until I joined the meeting. Through this meeting, I have met a community of like-minded people. Recovery looks different for everyone, but to have a community supporting you is the best.”
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- What causes relapses? Here’s what I learned when I drank after 14 months sober. - April 29, 2024