I know an older woman who is so bitter that things have changed over the years, that life is so different now than it used to be, that she can’t enjoy Christmas anymore. Instead of finding joy in what is, she constantly thinks about how things were.
Nostalgia is one of the most under-talked about difficult emotions
It’s also one that – if you’re sober – you should be aware of, understand, and develop the skills to work through.
Think about it: Do you ever find yourself looking back on old times, thinking about the fun you used to have when you were drinking, before it became a problem? That’s nostalgia. Wishing you could go back to that time, go back to how things were. Bring back that warm, fuzzy feeling. Bring back the laughter. Bring back the innocent joy that came with alcohol, when you still knew how to stop.
In sobriety, we do a lot of work to remind ourselves that alcohol is poison. That alcohol destroys lives. That it steals memories and incites bad decisions. And of course, all of these things are true.
But I don’t think we do ourselves any favors by trying to pretend alcohol didn’t also give us some really great times. There’s a reason we drank. It wasn’t always to escape hard feelings. It wasn’t always to excess. We used to drink because it was fun. Because it created a sense of connection when we needed it, and allowed us to let our guard down easily.
And it’s absolutely valid to be nostalgic about those times.
Nostalgia (n.): a wistful or excessively sentimental yearning for return to or of some past period or irrecoverable condition
In simpler terms: Nostalgia is deeply wishing you could go back to a time or to a way of being that you simply can’t return to.
For drinkers, this means deeply wishing we could go back to a time when alcohol wasn’t a problem, when it could just be enjoyed innocently and without devastating consequences.
I think we all know that feeling.
I liken it to the way I feel when I think back to when my kids were little. When things seemed simpler and our biggest problem was the fact that they didn’t know how to share their toys. When evenings were filled with giggles and bedtime stories and footie pajamas. Man, life was good back then. And I never really appreciated it the way I should have.
And I can never go back.
The trouble with alcohol is that we keep trying to go back.
We keep thinking that somehow we can go back and recreate those feelings, recreate those memories. Only things are different now. We can’t ever go back to the way things were, no matter how many times we try. The off switch didn’t just stop working… it broke clean off, and there’s no repairing it.
You have two choices.
You can accept that things are different now, and you can find ways to enjoy the way life has developed. Or you can be bitter that things will never be the way they were.
Have you ever met someone who is 30 years sober and still bitter about the fact that they can’t drink? Do you really want to be like that?
If your answer is a resounding ‘No’ (and I hope that’s the case) here are some things you can do to work through your nostalgia, and find joy on this side of alcohol.
I’m gonna give you some self-talk scripts.
Use them! Save this post, come back to it, and practice using these scripts to change the way you’re speaking to yourself about how you feel.
Understand it and name it.
The first step in dealing with any emotion is being able to correctly name what you’re feeling. So hold an awareness for the feeling of nostalgia, and when you experience it – name it. Take the time to understand what’s happening. “Oh, I see. I’m missing how things used to be, and I’m wishing I could go back to that, but I know I can’t because that part of my life is in the past., and that’s not where I’m headed.”
Accept that you can’t change it (instead of continuing to try.)
Acceptance goes a long way in dealing with any emotion. Acceptance doesn’t mean you have to like it. It just means you have to accept that you can’t change it. “I wish things were different than they are. It’s okay to not like how things feel right now. But I also accept that this is where I’m at, and I can live with it, even if I don’t like it. I also understand that everything in life happens for a reason.”
Replace the bitterness with gratitude.
“I’m so glad I got to experience that when I did. I’ve got some great memories, and it’s nice to look back on those.” That same sentence applies whether you’re missing the way holidays used to be, missing the toddler phase, or missing alcohol. Let the memories scroll through your head like an old film, and smile at the joy and happiness you got to experience! Wrap yourself in as much gratitude as you can muster for the good times you were so lucky to have. Practice breathing out bitterness, and breathing in gratitude. (Seriously, I want you to try this! Take a deeeep breath in, and say to yourself, “Breathe in gratitude.” And then it allllll out and say to yourself, “Breathe out bitterness.” Do it 6 or 8 times. Trust me.)
Create new traditions.
Find new ways to celebrate. Replace the alcohol with something else that feels special. It won’t be the same, but it’s not supposed to be. New traditions can still fill the empty space where the old traditions don’t exist anymore. “Just because this doesn’t look the same doesn’t mean it’s not just as good. New and different things can be wonderful, too.”
Look toward the future.
There are exciting things still to come in your life. There are beautiful new memories still to be made. Give yourself space to imagine a beautiful life without alcohol. Moving past the phase of your life when you used alcohol means you are opening up new opportunities for growth and change and connection. “Leaving that part of my life behind means I’m opening up an entirely new chapter. That’s scary, but it’s also exciting and I have the power to make it amazing.”
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