Self care is often touted as one of the most important components of maintaining long term recovery, but what if self care just doesn’t seem to be working for you? You keep trying, doing all the things everyone says you need to do, but you don’t feel any more recharged or relaxed. You’re not alone. Self care is always as simple and straightforward as it sounds. In this blog post, you’ll find a list of the 5 most common self care mistakes people make, and some solutions to get you on the right track.
What is self care?
People often hear the words “self care” and imagine mani-pedis and spa days… and of course, many of use thought for a long time that drinking alcohol was self care. (What were thinking?!) To put it simply, self care is anything that you do for yourself with the intention of tending to your physical, mental, spiritual, and emotional health. And it’s important to note that this looks different for everyone (more on that below.)
Why is self care such an important part of recovery?
The easiest way to explain this is to share with you a concept we call the Window of Tolerance. Your Window of Tolerance determines how much stress you can handle in a day before you’re overwhelmed and begin to shut down (and, in the case of people in recovery, risk turning to alcohol.) Every day, your start with your window open a certain amount. Often times in early sobriety, or during times of great stress or difficult emotions, your window of tolerance will start out in the morning already nearly shut. If things are going quite well, perhaps your window is open wide.
As you go about your day, things will happen that will affect your window – either cause it to close more, or cause it to open more. Maybe your kids are extra whiny before school, and you end up late getting to work: the window closes a bit. Someone compliments your new outfit: your window opens a little more. This goes on and on all day long – things happening that open and close the window, sometimes little bits at a time, and sometimes that window gets slammed shut all at once. I’m gonna bet you probably know that feeling!
So how does self care fit into all of this? Self care is how we open our own window. If we incorporate self care regularly into each day, we’re helping our window stay open, even when stressful things are happening. It increases our tolerance and capacity for dealing with difficult situations that arise. Because we know difficult situations will arise – this is life, after all. So with that being said, here are…
The Top 5 Self Care Mistakes You Might Be Making
#1. You feel guilty when you take time to care for yourself.
Here’s the thing – self care doesn’t count if it comes with feelings of guilt. Catch the negative self talk – “I should be doing…. instead of this.” “Ugh, I’m just being lazy. I need to be more productive.” “I don’t deserve to sit around and do nothing!” Start responding to that negative self talk with rational, compassionate talk. “If I take care of myself now, I’ll have more energy for other things later.” “I’m not being lazy. I’m resting, and resting is necessary.” “I deserve to take care of my own needs.” I’m not going to promise it’s easy – changing self talk takes consistency and practice. But it won’t get any better if you don’t start practicing.
#2. You’re waiting until you’re desperate.
So often, we wait until things are really bad before we finally take a break and find ways to take care of ourselves. But self care works best when it’s proactive, not reactive. Don’t wait until everything is falling apart around you and you’re at your wit’s end. That’s when you’ll be in danger of thinking a drink sounds like a good idea. Create a self care routine, and stick with it every day. This way, you’ll be more able to handle the hard stuff when it happens.
#3. You haven’t found the “right” self care.
And by “right” I don’t mean what everyone else says you should do. Just because everyone talks about bubble baths and candles doesn’t mean that’s what’s going to work for you. This is your chance to experiment, try new things, and get to know yourself. What really makes you feel energized? What fills your cup, makes you feel strong and confident? What do you find to be soothing and restful? Different things work at different times, and serve different purposes. Your job is to find out what really meets your needs. See: Relax Without Alcohol podcast episode
#4. You’re not making it important.
I get it – you have a to-do list a mile long, and between laundry and dishes and work deadlines and soccer practice, and there’s just not time to take care of yourself in all of that. I see you, and I hear you, and I’m soooo familiar with that to-do list. But I’m gonna argue that setting aside 30 minutes to do something for yourself is actually going to make you more present and more productive. Self care has been proven time and again to increase creativity and productivity, meaning you’ll make better use of the time you’re working if you take some time to take care of yourself, too. I suggest scheduling self care into your day. In your planner, or on your phone, find a time that you’ll be able to take care of yourself, and make it a point to stick to it. Set a reminder if you need to – but start making it just as important as anything else on your to-do list. Because it is.
#5. You don’t do it if you don’t feel like it.
You’ve had a rough day, you’re tired and grumpy, and all you want to do is eat a whole pizza, watch some junk TV, and scroll Instagram, even though you know you should get up and go for a walk. Sometimes self care means doing something we know is good for us, even when we don’t feel like it. When things get hard – when depression sneaks in, when you’re feeling insecure, when life seems to keep dumping more and more on top of you – it can be hard to drag yourself out of bed to take a shower, call a friend, eat a salad, or go for a walk. But that’s when self care is the most important. It’s okay if you don’t feel like it. Do it anyway.
Self care only works if you’re doing it right, and that takes practice! Don’t give up if you try some things one day and it doesn’t really seem to help. In recovery, everything is a practice. It gets easier and more effective the more we do it, so keep at it.
I would love to hear what self care looks like for you. Let’s build a list in the comments of ideas for people to try, if they’re still trying to figure out what works for them.
If you find self care to be a challenge, keep an eye out for our upcoming mini-course on how to build a self care routine that fits your lifestyle and keeps you thriving – not just surviving. Sign up for our weekly newsletter for updates on all of the resources we offer:
- Debunking Myths About Addiction And Sobriety - May 10, 2024
- How Do I Know If I Need to Stop Drinking Alcohol? - May 5, 2024
- What causes relapses? Here’s what I learned when I drank after 14 months sober. - April 29, 2024