Navigating Through the Waves of Grief: A Personal Journey of Loss and Perseverance

A guest post by Jessica Ortiz

Life has an uncanny way of introducing us to immense challenges, testing our strength and resilience. We all face unique and personal struggles that test us. As I sit down to share my story, I do so with a heavy heart and a hope that my experiences may light the way for others navigating through their own dark tunnels of trauma and grief. The past 15 months have been a crucible of sorrow, having lost my loving husband in December 2022 and my precious son in April 2023. These events have been the most harrowing of my life, yet within the depths of despair, I have found strength to persevere.

My journey with my late husband began in 2015, a time when love bloomed instantly between us. Phil, a year into his sobriety, taught me the profound importance of supporting a partner’s recovery. Our relationship weathered many storms, but our love remained steadfast. His commitment to sobriety was a testament to his strength, even as he faced moments of self-doubt and trials that tested his resolve. I learned that recovery is a deeply personal choice, and as his wife, my role was to offer unwavering support and encouragement.

“I have since vowed to raise awareness about the potential dangers of Kratom, especially within the
sober community where it is often touted as a safe alternative.”

In 2017, Phil made the decision to use Kratom to manage his anxiety and joint pain. I was initially skeptical about this supplement, but his reassurance and a documentary on its benefits eased my concerns. For five and a half years, he believed in its safety, unaware of the silent toll it was taking on his body. His untimely passing due to intoxication from Mitragyna (Kratom) was a shock that reverberated through my very being. I have since vowed to raise awareness about the potential dangers of Kratom, especially within the sober community where it is often touted as a safe alternative. The need for more research and education on its long-term effects is critical, as the risks are not as widely acknowledged as they should be.

My resolve to spread this message was abruptly interrupted by the most devastating loss a mother can endure—the death of my four-year-old son, Logan, in a tragic car accident. The agony of this loss is indescribable, a pain that ebbs and flows unpredictably. Grief is indeed a peculiar companion; one moment, it allows a semblance of strength and hope, and the next, it plunges you into the depths of despair. In the wake of such immense loss, I grappled with the desire to join my husband and son. To deny those thoughts would be dishonest. Yet, despite the parts of me that perished with them, I remain. I am still here, learning to navigate life anew. The fragments of my old self are gone, but there is still so much of me present, so much life yet to be lived—for myself and in their honor.

“The principles and values my husband embraced in his recovery journey have
become a beacon for me, guiding me through my own healing process.”

The love I hold for them is eternal, and I know they would never wish for me to succumb to my sorrows. They would want me to find the strength to rebuild and to flourish once again. The principles and values my husband embraced in his recovery journey have become a beacon for me, guiding me through my own healing process. The support of loved ones and the connections I’ve made with others who have walked similar paths have been invaluable.

There exists a vast community for those who grieve—a network of widows, bereaved parents, and individuals coping with loss. Trauma manifests in myriad ways, affecting our minds and bodies in profound and often unexpected manners. It is crucial to seek out these communities, to share your story, and to realize that you are not alone. The solidarity found in shared experiences can lift a portion of the burden we carry, allowing us to lean on one another for understanding and support.

“Even in the darkest moments, there is a glimmer of hope.”

On the days when the loss of my son feels unbearable, when the void left by his absence seems insurmountable, I remind myself to breathe, to take one step at a time. The pain of losing a child is unparalleled, and the emptiness it creates is vast. Yet, even in the darkest moments, there is a glimmer of hope—a reminder that life, though forever altered, continues.

To those who read this, know that your pain is seen, your struggles are acknowledged, and your journey through grief is not a solitary one. May we find solace in the love that remains, and may we support each other in the quest to find peace amidst the storms. I plan to continue my mission to bring awareness to the dangers of Kratom, to prevent other families from experiencing the kind of loss that has so deeply affected mine. I am determined to connect with others in the recovery and sober community, sharing the knowledge I’ve gained through my husband’s loss. It’s crucial to spread the word that while Kratom may seem like a safe alternative to manage recovery-related issues, its potential risks are not fully understood. By sharing Phil’s story, I hope to inspire a call to action for more stringent research and open dialogue about the safe use of supplements in sobriety.

Finding a path forward

As I navigate the path of rebuilding my life, I am equally committed to strengthening the community for those dealing with grief and trauma. I envision creating a platform where individuals can come together to share their stories and journeys through grief. It will be a space to discuss the struggles we face, but also to celebrate the hope that persists amidst the pain. The importance of community in these times cannot be overstated, and I aim to be a guiding light for others as we find solace and strength in shared experiences.

In the wake of losing my son, the unbearable days remind me of the fragility of life and the profound depth of a parent’s love. The void left by his absence is immeasurable, yet it is through this very pain that I am driven to reach out, to connect, and to support others. Our stories of loss and resilience have the power to unite us, to lift some of the burdens we carry, and to remind us that we do not walk this difficult path alone.

Together, we can build a beacon of hope and understanding, a community that stands as a testament to the enduring human spirit. Through this work, I honor the memory of my husband, Phil, and my son, Logan, and I offer a hand to those who are navigating their own grief journeys. Let us move forward with compassion, sharing our light in the darkest of times.

Jessica Ortiz